Accidents

Friday morning as I was driving from one work location to another I was rear ended. My immediate reaction was to the lives inside me. The only thing that mattered was whether or not they were safe.

I drive a Subaru Legacy, a mid size sedan. The guy who hit me drives a GMC Sierra, aka “big ass truck.” Luckily he realizes how close he was to me and tries to change lanes. So instead of hitting head on he hit the passenger side and drove up onto my vehicle. The bumper, trunk, back windshield, and side panel are all destroyed. Auto shop says they will have the car for 10-12 business days so long as no parts are back ordered.

As for me and the little ones? After two hospital visits and some monitoring, ultrasounds, and cervical checks it seems the babies are fine and despite constant uterine tightening, I am not currently at risk for loosing the babies or preterm delivery. Thank God! It has been a stressful few days and even though things look fine it’s hard not to worry. I pray nothing changes and things move forward smoothly. Tomorrow is our anatomy scan and seeing them wiggle will ease a little oft fear.

-R

I Hope I Haven’t Lost You

It’s been nearly 2 1/2 months since my last post. A month off was my initial plan, but sometimes life throws you a curveball and your plans change.

The past 7.5 years have been spent focusing on a seemingly unachievable goal. That focus brought with it pain, heartache, and many unanswered prayers. This past year we thought we found our answer through IVF only to experience a devastating loss. Procedures and medications took precedence.

December brought with it another chance at making our dreams of having a family a reality. I went into our FET with high hopes but a lot of uncertainty. After such a devastating fresh cycle in August my heart wasn’t fully ready to invest in the dream for fear the same path was in front of us. I was excited but didn’t really believe the outcome would be better then the one in August. I think that subconsciously I was protecting myself from pending heartache.

The days after my transfer were a LOT different then after my fresh transfer. I wasn’t uncomfortable, no cramps or bloating. I also couldn’t “feel” much of anything that could have been considered implantation. Sure, a few twinges here or there but nothing like I felt in August.

The wait for my first beta hcg was awful. I couldn’t home test because we did booster hcg shots and any home test would show up positive. Our first beta was a few days before Christmas and I was so scared of negative results and a ruined Christmas. But my fears were for not and my first beta cave back at 183! Three days later we were at 732 and our first ultrasound was scheduled.

At seven weeks we found out we were having twins. At 9 weeks a little fear of loosing them subsided. And by 12 weeks the realization that they are healthy finally sunk in. We are 14 weeks today. I have battled (and continue to do so) my share of nausea, heartburn, metallic mouth, sore boobs, water retention, and vomiting. But my little miracles are healthy and I take things day to day.

Excessive sleepiness takes hold around 8-8:30…which happens to be now. My pillow calls.

-R

Lovenox

If you have ever taken Lovenox then you understand what i am about to say: my belly is on FIRE! That shot burns going in anc for a good 30 minutes after. My belly is bruised and miniature knots dot the surface. Thankfully Sunday is my last shot, regardless of how bloodwork comes back. For that i am thankful!

With that I wish everybody a happy and healthy holiday. I will be taking a break from blogging until after the holidays.

-R

72 Hours

We have less then 72 hours before results from our first beta come in. I am nervous and scared for a variety of reasons. I wish that I was already off work for the holidays, it’s hard to concentrate and teach when I am obsessing over ever twinge, tug, or lack there of. I cannot POAS sine I had a booster hcg shot this weekend. But it may be just as well, how could I possibly work with results on either end.

Here’s to the dreadful 2 week wait!

-R

Snuggle Up Little Ones

Snuggle up little ones. Find the love waiting for you and settle in.

Kinship

The past month I’ve found myself watching “Giuliana and Bill“.  And usually as I watch, trying to choke back tears, I wonder why it is I subject myself to a show that reminds me of our struggles, our loss, and brings to the surface a range of emotions that I’m not hormonally equipped to deal with.

I don’t know for certain, but I think it’s because I feel an affinity, a kinship, to this couple.  I understand the pain, disappointment, hope, and love that they have shared (this is also true of my friends who have/continue to struggle and those who share their stories via blogs like mine).  It is hard to put into words, but there is a connection weaved through struggle that binds those of us who struggle with infertility.

Their struggles remind me that I am not alone and that I am stronger than I believe myself to be.

Their success gives me hope.

And as odd as this may sound, I was excited to see that they were having a baby.  A couple I never met, who has faced so many struggles, is finally able to hold their dream in arm gives me cause to smile.  It is uncomfortable to see others struggle, and my thoughts and prayers begin to include others who trudge down the same road I am traveling.  So hearing somebody who has been through the muck finally has good news allows a little weight to lift from my heart.  And it doesn’t matter if I know them or not.

What bothers me each and every time I watch the show is how unfair infertility really is.  It does not discriminate, affecting all races and socioeconomic levels.  And while Giuliana and Bill would have the financial means to undergo as many trials as age and science allow, a huge portion of those who need ART are not in a financial place to do so.  Dreams die because money inhibits moving forward.  We were lucky to have family and friends willing to help out financially.  But even so, our credit cards have been hit and our savings depleted.  If this round does not work, I am not sure when we will be able to try again.  It is not fair that this human right has been taken from us, and in an attempt to take it back we have to pay an astronomical price.  There is no haggling, no deals.  Those with the ability to answer our prayers hold the purse strings.  I hope that someday I am able to do something to help others in this position; provide the chance to try to build their families.

I am grateful that Giuliana and Bill have shared their story with the world.  Unfortunately, struggling with infertility is often a silent and isolated struggle.  I know first hand that the more you speak about it the easier (for lack of a better word) it gets.  For bringing awareness to the struggles those of us with infertility face, thank you Giuliana and Bill.  You will forever hold a special place in my heart for bringing this struggle front and center.  Maybe someday, with people like you, me, and all those who speak out, we  can change things so that everybody is given the opportunity to have the family they dream of.

-R

Catch 22

Most days I wake up and find it hard to crawl out of bed.  My energy is zapped even before my feet hit the floor.  Really, my only motivation for getting out of bed is the biological urge to use the restroom.   I pray my thyroid takes to this new dosage of synthroid soon.

On top of being zapped, I’m bloated, retaining water, and starting to find that my nerves are beginning to unfurl.  Every time I think about the possibilities that December 11th could bring I feel my heart flutter with hope only to crash at the memory of disappointment.   I go round and round with myself.   Some moments I’m so excited and convinced that our time is now, while others find me second-guessing the decision to spend so much money on something that isn’t going to work.  I hate putting that “negativity” out in the open for fear that those emotions will manifest into reality.  Yet, in the same breath I am afraid to voice my excitement and hope for fear of pressing my luck.

A Catch 22.  Around I go – hoping, praying, crying, fearing, dreaming.

-R

It’s Official

This morning marked the official start to our FET cycle.  Baseline blood work (including a complete blood count) and ultrasound began my day.  My lining was nice and thin, my estradoil at 13, and my ovaries silent.  All news that provided relief, because despite how frequently I go through these “baseline tests” I always get nervous.

Tonight I find myself in emotional limbo.  I am neither happy nor sad that this FET cycle has begun.  I find that, like before my fresh cycle, I find myself feeling a little flat.  It’s difficult to put together the words capable of explaining how I feel.  Underneath my anxiety, excitement, and happiness is a lot of fear.  Our fresh cycle brought good news that ended in something I never truly believed would happen…that pain still lingers and encourages more fear than I had in our previous cycle.  Every emotion that I had in our fresh cycle has resurfaced tenfold.

I am hopeful that our preparations will lead to a family, but I was before.  So in order to cope, to make it through the day, I think my brain has sort of  “turned off” the reality of what is happening.  The fact that we have to take this road continues to feel like a distant dream and less like an all too present reality.

With hope and fear in my heart, we move forward and place our possibilities in the capable hands of the RE and his team.  I pray that come Christmas I will have the gift I’ve waited for since I was a young girl.

-R

 

It’s Happening Again

It’s happening again.

The crazy schedule, insane amounts of hormones, injections, worry, sleepless nights, hiding from fear, hiding from hope.

We are moving forward with an FET.  And with this move, the insanity follows.  Sadly, I won’t have the time off work that I had this summer to work around appointments, so my schedule will need to be flexed a bit.  However, I am grateful that the FET will not be as extensive  as a fresh IVF cycle.  The following is a calendar of whats in store for the next few weeks:

So, here we go again.  I pray that the changes we’ve made to improve our chances lead us to a beautiful family.

-R

It Is Okay to Cry

The past few weeks have been a challenge…and more so the past few days.

Sometimes something as trivial as a stomach bug can bring you to your knees; particularly when it comes on the heals of a month of  hormone replacement and a phone call from the RE’s office saying they had bad news.  Wednesday night brought trick-or-treaters and then night sweats, nausea, and vomiting (the nausea continues as I type, 6 days later, though to a lesser degree).   Then Friday afternoon I received a call from my RE’s office stating that they had bad news and we wouldn’t be able to get in for our FET before the close of the embryology lab in December.

WHAT?

I told the nurse that there had to be a mistake because we changed surgery dates and medication protocols to ensure the transfer would be complete before the end of the year AND would be completed by my RE (not one of the others who work in the office).  She told me she would double check with the RE and call back on Monday.

So on top of untouchable nausea (nothing seems to help), I was anxious about the fact that our “perfectly planned” cycle was a possible no-go.  What would this mean for our chances?

Early Saturday morning I woke to a wicked sore throat; partnering with my nausea.  I cried many times this weekend, mostly because I didn’t know what else to do.   I felt, and continue to feel, week, lost, confused, confined, afraid.  I question how I’ll make it through all of this.  My body, mind, and heart are tired.  I fear the worst, and hope for the best.  And on top of all this personal turmoil, work has me stretched in a million directions.

With my husband in Texas for work, I was dreading the phone call from my RE’s office on Monday.  Simply for fear that what was reported on Friday would remain true.  But my fears were for not, as the call on Monday provided me with a tentative transfer date and a plan to move forward.  Relief has settled and now comes a whirlwind of appointments, medications, and finally the transfer I’ve waited for since having our miscarriage.  I pray this time all our preparations will yield the results I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl.

The next 4 weeks will be a challenge, my emotions will likely get the best of me.  But I’ve learned that it is okay to cry.  And without doubt, I will.

-R