Why Hide?

It’s been a couple years since I have posted and in that time my life has changed. I am a tired but extremely happy mother of two-and-a-half year old twins. They are the light of my life. I wouldn’t trade the crying, giggles, tantrums, and snuggles for anything. Yet, the fear and anger of infertility hasn’t really gone away.
In August my husband and I decided we were going try for a third child. I made all the appointments, went through testing, and an FET in relative silence. I told only a few people what we were doing but wanted to keep things quiet this time around. Why? I really don’t have a good answer.

Early on in making our decision I was dealing with guilt. Wondering if I was being selfish and pressing my luck. Wondering why I wasn’t “happy” with what we already had or why I felt I needed another baby. Wasn’t our little family enough? An honestly, the answer to these questions could be: “Yes, I am happy with my little family.” But, why should I have to stop building on that perfection simply because I am not able to build the family in the traditional sense. People who do not struggle with make babies most likely don’t have to wrestle with these things…never second guess their decision to extend their family, never have guilt for wanting more.

I felt ashamed I was having guilt. I felt anger that I had to go through the process again. That I had to put thousands of dollars on a credit card for a single chance at making a baby. I had a lot of anger and resentment that my life isn’t like others and I can’t just make a decision to quietly get pregnant, wait for the 1st trimester to end, and then make a perfect Pinterest announcement like a normal person And on top of all of this, I face a lot of fear that things will not work out the way we want.

But, I realize now that I am not like everybody else. My life and the manner in which I build my family is mine, and sadly, like thousands of others . My struggle can prove to other people struggling that it is possible to build a family through IVF publicly. And in fact, can be more healing to do it openly than it is to hide it from the world. I have found that this cycle has been challenging for me and I have held in so much more than I did in my first two cycles. It doesn’t feel healthy. I needed to share that my journey continues.

I likely will never fully understand why my path at creating a family has to be so hard, but I have come to an acceptance that it is my reality.

I will never hide again. Because in hiding there is shame. I will not be ashamed. Because in shame there is wrong. And there is nothing wrong with me.

-R