This morning marked the official start to our FET cycle. Baseline blood work (including a complete blood count) and ultrasound began my day. My lining was nice and thin, my estradoil at 13, and my ovaries silent. All news that provided relief, because despite how frequently I go through these “baseline tests” I always get nervous.
Tonight I find myself in emotional limbo. I am neither happy nor sad that this FET cycle has begun. I find that, like before my fresh cycle, I find myself feeling a little flat. It’s difficult to put together the words capable of explaining how I feel. Underneath my anxiety, excitement, and happiness is a lot of fear. Our fresh cycle brought good news that ended in something I never truly believed would happen…that pain still lingers and encourages more fear than I had in our previous cycle. Every emotion that I had in our fresh cycle has resurfaced tenfold.
I am hopeful that our preparations will lead to a family, but I was before. So in order to cope, to make it through the day, I think my brain has sort of “turned off” the reality of what is happening. The fact that we have to take this road continues to feel like a distant dream and less like an all too present reality.
With hope and fear in my heart, we move forward and place our possibilities in the capable hands of the RE and his team. I pray that come Christmas I will have the gift I’ve waited for since I was a young girl.