As I sat in the RE clinic listening to the nurse go over my medical history, procedural information, and consent forms I was flooded with a an overwhelming number of emotions. The reality of our loss resurfaced and the inequity of our situation settled in my stomach. I was angry, and sad, discouraged, and hopeful. Every step of this process reminds me of the one thing we don’t have – a baby of our own. And though I am moving forward, I can’t help but struggle with the fact that nothing has been easy in this journey. It seems once I’ve tackled one battle another looms on the horizon.
My hopes are that the hysteroscopy with D&C next week, followed by 28 days of intense hormone therapy, will prep my body for 9 months of change. I felt fine with the decision when we made it, and I will do anything within my means necessary to make this happen, but after my pre-op consults I am finding myself nervous, or fearful, of what could be found. My track record has not proven smooth. I keep telling myself this is procedure is more preventative then corrective, but that uncertainty is still there.
So as begin to prep for my surgery, order my medications, and prepare myself for this FET cycle I will likely continue to feel overwhelmed. But I look towards the possibilities, and that moves me forward each day. I prayed for the gift of life for my birthday…I will do the same this December for Christmas.